A termite walks into a bar8/31/2023 ![]() The next day, the duck returns and again says, “I want to buy some peanuts.” The bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.” The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?” The man replies " don't hit me as hard as you hit the monkey".The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” Do you want to give that a try?"īeing somewhat intoxicated now the man replies, " I've been thinking about it and I will give it a try if you promise me one thing". I gotta close shop but I'll give you one more opportunity before you go. ![]() So as he sits there drinking a few doubles, the hour gets later as people come and go, and finally the bartender calls closing time but says to the man, " hey. The man responds " after seeing that I think the only thing I want to try is a double scotch". ![]() The bartender then asks him if he wants to try. Well, the monkey jumps up grabbing his head and starts hopping around the bar screaming his monkey scream before finally settling down, and then goes over to the bartender and gives him a big wet long passionate kiss. The patron agrees so the bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out a big cast iron skillet and goes over and whacks the monkey on the head. The bartender looks around to see that the place was pretty empty and says " I'll show you if you promise not to tell anyone". He calls the bartender over and says ( comma) "hey! What's that monkey doing there?" While he's drinking it he notices a monkey sitting on a stool behind the bartender. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."Ī guy walks into a bar and sits down and orders a scotch. "Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and looking a little puzzled, set them down again. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy Gillespie. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing away, better than Jimi Hendrix. None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. I'll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it." He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. * A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. She leans over and whispers to him, 'I'll do anything you ask for $200, as long as you can ask me in no more than three words.' * Man walks into a bar, sits down next to a beautiful blonde. The man says, "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator." The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!" * A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?". The bartender says, "I can't let you in without a Thai." * An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a MIJ, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar. "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?" Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside - barking, yelping and growling, then silence. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. ![]() He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. No wonder you've collected so much money - that's impossible!" "Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - and you can't make a face while doing it. So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar. "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. ![]()
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